I Just Met You, No You Can't Touch My Side Boob!

For years now I've been told I should write about my dating stories.  I've hesitated for various reasons but today is the day I share my most recent dating experience.  Let me say in no way am I ever trying to make fun of anyone, I've just been told I need to share my dating stories because my friends think they're highly entertaining.  :)  I actually haven't dated in a while so recently I refreshed my Tinder profile uploading of course the most recent and advantageous photos.

I matched with an inquisitive looking artist, a type I typically don't date.  I figured he'd be interesting and I'd be trying something new, hey you never know!  We agreed to meet for a drink at an Italian place downtown after work at 5pm.  It was somewhat of a last minute arrangement so I wasn't wearing the cutest outfit.  I felt a little frumpy and in my last choice of work clothes, but hey, this is the real me, right?  If he can't handle me at my worst he doesn't deserve me at my best, is that how that saying goes?  Okkurrrrt!

He's on time and we grab a seat in their heated covered patio in the back of the restaurant.  We each order a glass of red wine and talk about how long we've been in New York, where we're from and how life is.  We actually touch on past relationships and how important communication is.  WOW, how refreshing this is, I'm thinking.  So nice to feel depth so early!  There happens to be a jazz bar downstairs so we agree to check out the show and have another glass of wine.

It's somewhat of a small jazz bar, potentially only sitting 30 people, very dark and intimate.  We're sitting side by side with our backs up against a brick wall in high chairs behind a row of high top tables.  There are folks to our left, right, and front, also including the jazz band 15 feet away.  As first dates sometimes are, awkward, we're sitting close, hands on each others legs swaying back in forth to the music.  We actually got in trouble for talking once so we're really just sitting there feeling the vibes.  He was an attractive man and a very talented artist so I must say I was into the moment.  We ended up sharing a kiss or two while we enjoyed the music.

About halfway through the show he reaches over and puts his arm around me, OK, all good.  But soon I feel his fingers start to reach down past my shoulder, down my arm and toward my rib, but then to my side boob!  What!  I think I've known him an hour by this point!  OK, I can jolt (looking back I should have), but I politely moved my arm back to push his fingers away.  But oh, do you think that was his only attempt, of course not!  After a few more unsuccessful attempts he brought his arm back up over my shoulder but coincidentally his fingers were dangling close to the opening of my shirt collar so guess where his hands start to go.  Yep.  DOWN THE FRONT CORNER OF MY BLOUSE.  I literally had to smack his hand like a little boy to tell him to stop.  I'm boiling by this point.  What indicators have I given him to do this?  Remember, I'm in my frumpy work clothes, it's only 6:30pm by this point, I mean WHAT THE HELL!

The waiter comes by and asks if we want another drink, I had just told him I wanted to go home because I didn't want to stay out late on a school night.  Really I was completely disinterested and wanted to leave.  I'm not sure he got my hints because when I asked him which train he was taking home he leans in and says "I think we're going in the same direction" with a smirk.  OH, IS THAT RIGHT??

I'm still boiling, but more so sad and disappointed.

We get to the train and I mention I'm going north and he immediately turns and says "OK" and starts walking in that direction.  Ummmm.  I stopped and looked at him and said, "NO, I AM going this way."  He claims he can go this way too and continues to walk with me.  I cannot wait to spoil his idea if he thinks he's going home with me.  So we're on the train and I ask what stop he's getting off on, and he says "We're really not going to hang out?"  I leaned into him and said "I'm 36 years old and completely OK not going home with you tonight, this is our first date, can we not get to know each other some?"  He looked surprised.

So yeah, now I'm a bitch.  The truth is he has no idea how much of a bitch I can be.

The vibe of course immediately changes and he gets off his stop and says bye in a much more friendly manner.  He messages me the following day saying it was great meeting me and it "was cute how I was rubbing his hand." I never responded.  A few days later he messages me again saying if he did "anything that made me feel unpleasant" he apologies.  Gee, thanks.

So that's it, that's the dating story.  The sad part is, I'm actually out here looking for a HUSBAND, a PARTNER.  Women of my caliber are looking for someone who is responsible, RESPECTFUL, kind, with manners.  Heads up to any man who is trying to take a girl home on the first date don't try with a girl in frumpy work clothes who meets you at 5pm.  Thanks!

Bad Dates

Wow, this one is hilarious!

A girl knows almost immediately if there will be another date when meeting a guy for the first time. And as this one approached I knew based on his height and weight (being about the same as mine) this would be our only date. Even after these realizations, I was still respectful and followed through the course of the meal carrying basic conversation in hopes that within an hour I could be on my way. This guy was actually nice, so lunch was good for the most part, or maybe it was the amazing fish tacos.

When we finished we parted ways and I thought all was good (and I was free) until I got the following text message…

I mean, WHAT THE HELL!?!?!?  Ugh. Gross. I just can't believe a man would say such a thing to a woman like this after a first date!!  Even after a third date, that is so ridiculous!  

People are crazy and dating is crazy in 2015!  More wine please!!!!

Dating or Love?

Not often do I allow someone else's words to speak for mine, but this piece sums up my thoughts and feelings SO well on dating these days; I had to imprint every single one of Jamie Varon's words on my blog. Any guy that wants to date me, read every single word below. And put your damn phone and hash tags to rest, Jesus. Social media validation seems more important these days than actual in person experience and validation. Not my preference or my style!

This Is How We Date Now

Jamie Varon

We don’t commit now. We don’t see the point. They’ve always said there are so many fish in the sea, but never before has that sea of fish been right at our fingertips on OkCupid, Tinder, Grindr, Dattch, take your pick. We can order up a human being in the same way we can order up pad thai on Seamless. We think intimacy lies in a perfectly-executed string of emoji. We think effort is a “good morning” text. We say romance is dead, because maybe it is, but maybe we just need to reinvent it. Maybe romance in our modern age is putting the phone down long enough to look in each other’s eyes at dinner. Maybe romance is deleting Tinder off your phone after an incredible first date with someone. Maybe romance is still there, we just don’t know what it looks like now.

When we choose—if we commit—we are still one eye wandering at the options. We want the beautiful cut of filet mignon, but we’re too busy eyeing the mediocre buffet, because choice. Because choice. Our choices are killing us. We think choice means something. We think opportunity is good. We think the more chances we have, the better. But, it makes everything watered-down. Never mind actually feeling satisfied, we don’t even understand what satisfaction looks like, sounds like, feels like. We’re one foot out the door, because outside that door is more, more, more. We don’t see who’s right in front of our eyes asking to be loved, because no one is asking to be loved. We long for something that we still want to believe exists. Yet, we are looking for the next thrill, the next jolt of excitement, the next instant gratification.

We soothe ourselves and distract ourselves and, if we can’t even face the demons inside our own brain, how can we be expected to stick something out, to love someone even when it’s not easy to love them? We bail. We leave. We see a limitless world in a way that no generation before us has seen. We can open up a new tab, look at pictures of Portugal, pull out a Visa, and book a plane ticket. We don’t do this, but we can. The point is that we know we can, even if we don’t have the resources to do so. There are always other tantalizing options. Open up Instagram and see the lives of others, the life we could have. See the places we’re not traveling to. See the lives we’re not living. See the people we’re not dating. We bombard ourselves with stimuli, input, input, input, and we wonder why we’re miserable. We wonder why we’re dissatisfied. We wonder why nothing lasts and everything feels a little hopeless. Because, we have no idea how to see our lives for what they are, instead of what they aren’t.

And, even if we find it. Say we find that person we love who loves us. Commitment. Intimacy. “I love you.” We do it. We find it. Then, quickly, we live it for others. We tell people we’re in a relationship on Facebook. We throw our pictures up on Instagram. We become a “we.” We make it seem shiny and perfect because what we choose to share is the highlight reel. We don’t share the 3am fights, the reddened eyes, the tear-stained bedsheets. We don’t write status updates about how their love for us shines a light on where we don’t love ourselves. We don’t tweet 140 characters of sadness when we’re having the kinds of conversations that can make or break the future of our love. This is not what we share. Shiny picture. Happy couple. Love is perfect.

Then, we see these other happy, shiny couples and we compare. We are The Emoji Generation. Choice Culture. The Comparison Generation. Measuring up. Good enough. The best. Never before have we had such an incredible cornucopia of markers for what it looks like to live the Best Life Possible. We input, input, input and soon find ourselves in despair. We’ll never be good enough, because what we’re trying to measure up to just does not fucking exist. These lives do not exist. These relationships do not exist. Yet, we can’t believe it. We see it with our own eyes. And, we want it. And, we will make ourselves miserable until we get it.

So, we break up. We break up because we’re not good enough, our lives aren’t good enough, our relationship isn’t good enough. We swipe, swipe, swipe, just a bit more on Tinder. We order someone up to our door just like a pizza. And, the cycle starts again. Emoji. “Good morning” text. Intimacy. Put down the phone. Couple selfie. Shiny, happy couple. Compare. Compare. Compare. The inevitable creeping in of latent, subtle dissatisfaction. The fights. “Something is wrong, but I don’t know what it is.” “This isn’t working.” “I need something more.” And, we break up. Another love lost. Another graveyard of shiny, happy couple selfies.

On to the next. Searching for the elusive more. The next fix. The next gratification. The next quick hit. Living our lives in 140 characters, 5 second snaps, frozen filtered images, four minute movies, attention here, attention there. More as an illusion. We worry about settling, all the while making ourselves suffer thinking that anything less than the shiny, happy filtered life we’ve been accustomed to is settling. What is settling? We don’t know, but we fucking don’t want it. If it’s not perfect, it’s settling. If it’s not glittery filtered love, settling. If it’s not Pinterest-worthy, settling.

We realize that this more we want is a lie. We want phone calls. We want to see a face we love absent of the blue dim of a phone screen. We want slowness. We want simplicity. We want a life that does not need the validation of likes, favorites, comments, upvotes. We may not know yet that we want this, but we do. We want connection, true connection. We want a love that builds, not a love that gets discarded for the next hit. We want to come home to people. We want to lay down our heads at the end of our lives and know we lived well, we lived the fuck out of our lives. This is what we want even if we don’t know it yet.

Yet, this is not how we date now. This is not how we love now.

"To The Women With Warm Hearts & Cold Hands"

There are no words I can use to sum up this article that would do it any better justice than to read it. THANK YOU Naomi Honon for writing such a beautiful piece.  It's nice to know I'm not alone out there in my thoughts.  That is why I write, and you have done the same for me.  Thank you.

Via Naomi Honon Dec 3, 2014
http://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/12/to-the-women-with-warm-hearts-cold-hands/


I don’t know how you like your coffee on misty mornings.

I don’t know which rooftop you kick your favorite sneakers off to climb, what haunts your thoughts at night or what makes you want to stand up and fight. But I do know you—and I know your heart.

You are the woman who zips her own dress up for work every morning. The woman laughing under the rain without anyone to help you jump over puddles. The woman who runs up stairs and double checks locks before ending every day. The woman curled up under sheets, in the corner of a bed meant for two.

I know you because we share the same heart.

We all arrived here through different roads, different highways and different dirt paths. Some of us are bruised. Some of us are spotless. How we got here doesn’t matter—only how we’re tied together.

We are the women who spend our sweatpants-wearing Sunday afternoons alone. The women who treat ourselves to fancy Valentine’s Day dinners. The women who buy ourselves carnations after making mistakes.

We are the women who’ve decided to bravely put love on the back burner. We know we’ll one day be mothers of beautiful children who’ll share the same clusters of freckles on their noses. We know there’ll come a time when we’ll look into someone’s eyes and see a reflection of our dreams.

We never for a second doubt that we deserve all this or that it’ll happen. But we know that now is not that time, and we accept it with grace and patience.

Couples in black and white romantic movies make us smile without wincing. We sing along to cheesy ballads on radios knowing that one day, one of them will be sung for us. We go to sleep every night happy no one’s taken our minds hostage. We aren’t waiting. We aren’t still, or frozen with hope. We are in a constant state of motion, dedicating everyday to ourselves and the goals our souls ache for.

To the women with warm hearts and cold hands, I hope you know how brave you are.

Solitude can get deafening sometimes, but self-sufficiency is a trait even warriors have trouble mastering. You are your own commander, fighting frostbite, fidgeting in your mittens. Never apologize for the fires you light.

Carry our flag with you and know you’ll never be alone.

Beside you stands an army of women marching to the same heartbeat in bedrooms that are oceans and countries away, carrying the same promises to themselves throughout their days. Who never allow anyone to tell them what they should have, or who they should need.

And never let anyone tell them when love should, or shouldn’t be.

Poem

These words stitch up my wounds
This scar freshly reminds me of what I never want to get into

I'm thankful for the pain
So I can be sure history doesn't repeat itself
I'm in a different state
And frame

I'll always be the me you knew
But meeting you made me realize how much more I needed
We grew

Apart

It was a start
In another direction
Another chapter
I realized it wasn't me you were really after

Light in my face and wind at my back
I've finally realized where I was lack

It was you

I deserved more but was slack
Not sure you even realized how much I had your back

But I'm actually thankful for you
Even today I still smile when I think of you

You gave me growth and fine tuned my vision
Losing you has been the best gift of precision

Guys - ASK FOR HER NUMBER!

Man, I don't know if I'm more sad or mad at the dating scene these days. It seems most men want to skip over the courting and dating and go straight to your bedroom. Why the rush? Is the world about to end, did I miss the memo?!

I'm not posting this rant after a one time experience. Over the past few years that I've tried dating, even dating sites, I'm frustrated with the lack of old school chivalry skills I've encountered, if at all. I can understand asking a girl out in person may be nerve wracking and/or awkward for a man. But it's really not that difficult. All it really takes is five simple words - "Can I call you sometime?"

I know guys are just as weary of being turned down as we all are. I get it!  BUT - there are TONS of fish in the sea!  Like they say, men and women are like buses, if you miss one it's OK, another one is coming in 15 minutes!

Asking a girl out in person may be tough, but it's doable.  So, you would think over email, a guy wouldn't have a problem asking for your number, right? WRONG. In my experience 99.999% of the guys I've met on a dating site always drop THEIR number after a couple weeks of email exchanges. WHAT THE FUCK!!!!! What is the deal? You really want to drop YOUR number so the girl will text YOU?! WHY CAN'T A GUY ASK FOR A GIRLS NUMBER ANYMORE??????? What is the problem?! Why is that so difficult?

I'm so glad that I was raised on old school values, although they are hard to find these days. But in a way it is a gift and a curse. If I was OK with a guy texting me all day and not communicating to my face I would be in heaven in 2014. But unfortunately I feel like it's hell. A bunch of fast paced non investment cowardly men out there looking for some quick action. No wonder they aren't chivalrous because they probably don't have any chivalrous intentions!

Anyway, yes, I am venting. All I want is to meet someone that is tired of getting it wrong as much as I am. A guy that respects the journey, not the destination. Someone who enjoys the excitement and thrill of what could come next. The elated feeling of pondering the next level and depth we could reach together.  How exciting is that!

These are some official #FirstWorldProblems and #OldSchoolProblems but I'll be alright!  ;)

#venting 

Life After Dating

Being single has its perks, like watching unlimited back to back shows of Real Housewives with no grunts, sighs or comments from the peanut gallery.  But being in a relationship has its perks too, like sex as often as you like and someone to rub your back at night. 

But what about those friends that have been with you throughout the whole process?  Your single girlfriends that are still single?  Now you are in this relationship and it feels like everything has changed?  Or has it?


http://www.thefrisky.com/2013-11-11/life-after-dating-an-open-letter-to-our-single-friends/

Happiness, here, now, REALLY!?

Yes, happiness is here, NOW!  All you have to do is open your eyes and CHOOSE to see it!

Too often we surround ourselves with negativity.  Think about it, when you go out with your friends, how often do you talk about what awesome things your friends are doing?  Or do you normally talk about people?  What's wrong with this person, this situation, etc?!  Can you believe what happened to HER!  Negative energy is so bad, we need to push less of that around! 

All you have to do is CHOOSE to look for the positive.  CHOOSE to look at what's going great in your life, versus not.  CHOOSE to be grateful.  Because I promise you, you will be surprised how many awesome things you will see surround you, if you just take the chance to look. 

Smile.  :)

Feel Fear and Leap Anyway

Via Soulseeds.com
 
We spend sway too much time waiting for the right conditions to take steps. When the spring comes, I’ll start running again. When the kids are old enough, I’ll start my dream business. When my finances are secure, I’ll travel. When the work stress ends, I’ll give up smoking. When, when, when….. a constant search for certainty and perfect conditions. Perfection is nowhere and certainty is an illusion, fueled by fear.

To be fearless is to live without certainty. It is to dip at least one toe into the future without knowing how it will feel (how potentially good it will feel) or where exactly it will lead you (potentially some incredibly exciting place) or who will join you (potentially some phenomenal people). In other words every step is a leap of faith, opening up incredible potential. But not even one step offers certainty.

Take steps NOW. Feel the fear and leap anyway. Re frame fear in your mind. Instead of fearing fear, and submitting to it like a school yard bully, stand up to it. Maybe even think of it as your friend. Pema Chodron said, “Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth.”

 
WHAT DO YOU FEAR??  WHAT COULD YOU BE MOVING CLOSER TO, VERSUS AWAY FROM?  


Read the full article here:  http://www.soulseeds.com/grapevine/2013/01/feel-the-fear-and-do-it-anyway/


 

Learning To Trust Love Again

Another beautiful article from one of my favorite websites, soulseeds.com.

Here are a few excerpts... 

It’s natural to protect yourself from the elements, but you don’t need an umbrella under blue skies. The same is true in life and love. When you've been hurt, you naturally protect yourself from intimacy. You don’t want to go through it again. There comes a point though, when you let your guard down enough to see that the only thing raining down on you is love. You never know if it stops raining if you don’t peak out from under your umbrella to check the sky. Take a peak. When you feel strong enough, put away the umbrella, open your heart and receive the love on offer. It’s elemental to who you are to trust love. You just have to remove the protective layers to receive it.

The Sufi mystic Rumi said, Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.

Remove the barriers to love one at a time and enjoy the bliss; not just romantic love, but also platonic love for friends, the love of parents and grandparents, love that includes other species, love that includes yourself. Love is not something that comes down from above or from outside of ourselves. Love is something that is discovered from the inside out. You don’t even find love. Love finds you when you remove all the barriers within yourself and allow love to flow.

The crazy thing is that it actually takes more effort to resist love than it does to surrender to love. Building walls is exhausting. Give yourself a break. Stop resisting and surrender to love’s lead. If you’ve been hurt, betrayed, exhausted and misunderstood, love your humanity and persistence and let it grow from there. Love is your nature.

You know that you will be hurt again. Life stings. That’s the nature of life when we bump up against each other’s walls. Keep loving anyway, because it’s your nature to love. In any case, being trapped inside your fortress of self protection will quickly suffocate you in a cocoon of isolation.

Trust yourself. Open your eyes, put away some protection and unclench your heart. Trust others to do their best to love you. There is so much love to receive, and all you have to do is open yourself to it.

Check out the full article here: http://www.soulseeds.com/grapevine/2013/01/learning-to-trust-love-again/
 

:)

I've just had one of the best weeks ever. Sometimes the universe just aligns things that makes you notice all the beautiful things before you. From new people entering your life, amazing time with your girlfriends, to just noticing beautiful clouds and skies, I've had more happy moments in the last week than I can ever remember. Having all of these type moments compacted on a daily basis for a week makes for a lot of smiles. I must say I love my friends and I love my life. :) #thatisall

The Best Relationship Advice, for a Single Person!

I've been single and dating for about a year now, and this is the best summarized dating advice I've heard in a long time! 


1. You Can’t Date Potential: Sometimes girls have a habit of trying to predict the future and imagine what a guy might be like if he was just a little different or better or more self-aware. But you can’t date a future maybe-person. You have to date the one that’s in front of you, and you’re either okay with that person or you’re not.

2. People Can Change — But Only If They Want To: You can’t force someone else to change. You can’t will them into changing. The power to make progress or different in ones life is only truly effective if it comes from within. Which doesn’t mean that you or I won’t waste our time wondering why they couldn’t be different — because God knows I’ve done that.

3. Relationships Are 99 Percent Timing: Are you in the right place? Are they in the right place? If not, even if every single other thing about somebody is wonderful and amazing, it’s not going to work out. Both people have to be ready for a relationship or else it’s not going to happen. Which is why, again, you shouldn’t necessarily take rejection personally. This isn’t about you — it’s about a zillion factors that are completely and totally out of your control.

4. Determine If You’re Hurt Or Your Ego Is: Some dude (or lady) broke up with you. It sucks and feels like crap. You’re upset. Or are you? Figure out if you’re really upset, or if your ego is simply butthurt that you’ve been rejected. Once you can understand and separate your ego from yourself, you’ll have a much easier time getting over the actual sadness you feel about a break up.

5. It Won’t Always Feel Like This: It won’t always be good. But it also won’t always be bad. Another way of saying this is something a dear friend once told me: The biggest mistake you can make is thinking that the impermanent is permanent. This goes double when it comes to feeling shitty about a breakup. You’re going to feel different than you do six days from now, six weeks from now, and certainly six months from now. Take solace in the fact that change is constant and all-consuming, and the future contains a powerful uncertainty that’s determined in large part by how you allow yourself to accept it.

This is from one of my favorite websites, The Frisky. 
http://www.thefrisky.com/2012-11-20/5-more-pieces-of-relationship-advice-id-give-you-if-we-were-friends/