Not often do I allow someone else's words to speak for mine, but this piece sums up my thoughts and feelings SO well on dating these days; I had to imprint every single one of Jamie Varon's words on my blog. Any guy that wants to date me, read every single word below. And put your damn phone and hash tags to rest, Jesus. Social media validation seems more important these days than actual in person experience and validation. Not my preference or my style!
We don’t commit now. We don’t see the point. They’ve always said there are so many fish in the sea, but never before has that sea of fish been right at our fingertips on OkCupid, Tinder, Grindr, Dattch, take your pick. We can order up a human being in the same way we can order up pad thai on Seamless. We think intimacy lies in a perfectly-executed string of emoji. We think effort is a “good morning” text. We say romance is dead, because maybe it is, but maybe we just need to reinvent it. Maybe romance in our modern age is putting the phone down long enough to look in each other’s eyes at dinner. Maybe romance is deleting Tinder off your phone after an incredible first date with someone. Maybe romance is still there, we just don’t know what it looks like now.
When we choose—if we commit—we are still one eye wandering at the options. We want the beautiful cut of filet mignon, but we’re too busy eyeing the mediocre buffet, because choice. Because choice. Our choices are killing us. We think choice means something. We think opportunity is good. We think the more chances we have, the better. But, it makes everything watered-down. Never mind actually feeling satisfied, we don’t even understand what satisfaction looks like, sounds like, feels like. We’re one foot out the door, because outside that door is more, more, more. We don’t see who’s right in front of our eyes asking to be loved, because no one is asking to be loved. We long for something that we still want to believe exists. Yet, we are looking for the next thrill, the next jolt of excitement, the next instant gratification.
We soothe ourselves and distract ourselves and, if we can’t even face the demons inside our own brain, how can we be expected to stick something out, to love someone even when it’s not easy to love them? We bail. We leave. We see a limitless world in a way that no generation before us has seen. We can open up a new tab, look at pictures of Portugal, pull out a Visa, and book a plane ticket. We don’t do this, but we can. The point is that we know we can, even if we don’t have the resources to do so. There are always other tantalizing options. Open up Instagram and see the lives of others, the life we could have. See the places we’re not traveling to. See the lives we’re not living. See the people we’re not dating. We bombard ourselves with stimuli, input, input, input, and we wonder why we’re miserable. We wonder why we’re dissatisfied. We wonder why nothing lasts and everything feels a little hopeless. Because, we have no idea how to see our lives for what they are, instead of what they aren’t.
And, even if we find it. Say we find that person we love who loves us. Commitment. Intimacy. “I love you.” We do it. We find it. Then, quickly, we live it for others. We tell people we’re in a relationship on Facebook. We throw our pictures up on Instagram. We become a “we.” We make it seem shiny and perfect because what we choose to share is the highlight reel. We don’t share the 3am fights, the reddened eyes, the tear-stained bedsheets. We don’t write status updates about how their love for us shines a light on where we don’t love ourselves. We don’t tweet 140 characters of sadness when we’re having the kinds of conversations that can make or break the future of our love. This is not what we share. Shiny picture. Happy couple. Love is perfect.
Then, we see these other happy, shiny couples and we compare. We are The Emoji Generation. Choice Culture. The Comparison Generation. Measuring up. Good enough. The best. Never before have we had such an incredible cornucopia of markers for what it looks like to live the Best Life Possible. We input, input, input and soon find ourselves in despair. We’ll never be good enough, because what we’re trying to measure up to just does not fucking exist. These lives do not exist. These relationships do not exist. Yet, we can’t believe it. We see it with our own eyes. And, we want it. And, we will make ourselves miserable until we get it.
So, we break up. We break up because we’re not good enough, our lives aren’t good enough, our relationship isn’t good enough. We swipe, swipe, swipe, just a bit more on Tinder. We order someone up to our door just like a pizza. And, the cycle starts again. Emoji. “Good morning” text. Intimacy. Put down the phone. Couple selfie. Shiny, happy couple. Compare. Compare. Compare. The inevitable creeping in of latent, subtle dissatisfaction. The fights. “Something is wrong, but I don’t know what it is.” “This isn’t working.” “I need something more.” And, we break up. Another love lost. Another graveyard of shiny, happy couple selfies.
On to the next. Searching for the elusive more. The next fix. The next gratification. The next quick hit. Living our lives in 140 characters, 5 second snaps, frozen filtered images, four minute movies, attention here, attention there. More as an illusion. We worry about settling, all the while making ourselves suffer thinking that anything less than the shiny, happy filtered life we’ve been accustomed to is settling. What is settling? We don’t know, but we fucking don’t want it. If it’s not perfect, it’s settling. If it’s not glittery filtered love, settling. If it’s not Pinterest-worthy, settling.
We realize that this more we want is a lie. We want phone calls. We want to see a face we love absent of the blue dim of a phone screen. We want slowness. We want simplicity. We want a life that does not need the validation of likes, favorites, comments, upvotes. We may not know yet that we want this, but we do. We want connection, true connection. We want a love that builds, not a love that gets discarded for the next hit. We want to come home to people. We want to lay down our heads at the end of our lives and know we lived well, we lived the fuck out of our lives. This is what we want even if we don’t know it yet.
Yet, this is not how we date now. This is not how we love now.
Today I've been reflecting on a lot of things, and I stumbled upon a lot of old pictures from my travels over the past few years. It's nice to reflect every now and then to understand where you've been and where you're going. I'm extremely grateful for these experiences.
I wanted to share some of my favorite travel photos. Feel free to follow the links to find additional details on my travels in these special places.
This photo was taken walking around Lisbon, Portugal.
This photo was taken from the office of my previous employer in New York City.
This was one of my first days in Bora Bora, French Polynesia. I was extremely excited to get in this magical water. I brought that inner tube from home and the resort had flippers and masks for us to use. I was ready to go!
This picture was taken in Thailand at the Tiger Temple. I was actually walking a tiger! You are looking at me trying my hardest to be invisible in this moment. The tiger had stopped to pee and was barely looking back watching me. The range of emotions I was feeling in this exact moment are indescribable.
Here I am walking up the stairs inside the Duomo in Florence, Italy. Florence was one of my favorite places I visited in Europe.
I'd taken a trolley up the mountain to this high viewpoint in Interlaken, Switzerland.
This picture was taken on a boat tour of the islands off Thailand. These magical waters are my second favorite in the world after Bora Bora.
I found her. She's challenging, she's tough, she's stubborn. She's fierce and today she stared me straight in the face. She's my biggest opponent. Her bitch face has so much grace, it puzzles me. Yet facing her is the most rewarding opportunity.
I met her today on my yoga mat.
She is, ME.
Today I realized my biggest challenges are presented through myself. When you're finally willing to face yourself, to face your fears and realize your biggest challenges, you are already one step ahead of moving through them.
We're all in different places in our lives, with different dramas, excitements and "situations" going on. Today I realized my match, the militant contender I know painfully well that often hides in my shadow. Today I met her face on, she finally stepped out of the shadow and I can't wait to meet her again.
“It takes courage...to endure the sharp pains of self discovery rather than choose to take the dull pain of unconsciousness that would last the rest of our lives.” ― Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles"
Could you imagine being responsible for killing over 160 people and have the ability to walk around freely in society? I can't even imagine what that does to your psyche. Do you feel like a warrior, a killer? Justified because you protected your fellow soldiers? Or does it make you sad, or proud? This movie touched me in a way that I've never been touched before, patriotically. Veterans, I always respected, but honestly there was always a gap with what I thought they experienced, versus what I'm sure they really experienced. This movie helped close that gap for me. I left the movie feeling so empathetic that I had to text one of my Veteran friends and thank him again for his service. I now feel and believe there is a HUGE gap between what civilians think our soldiers go through, versus what they really experience day in and day out on the battlefield and when they come home. It made me feel horrible. How could so many of us walk through our daily lives, freely, so unaware, while these soldiers are fighting for us and experiencing so much confusion and pain. Our reality of cars, work, and social status seem to really stress us out doesn't it? We have NO CLUE what it feels like to carry the weight of what these soldiers carry on their shoulders and in their minds every day. Not only do they have THAT to carry, but also the adjustment back to our materialistic fake society that surrounds and encompasses us all. I highly recommend seeing this movie. I think it did a great job detailing what our soldiers go through, not only on the battlefield, but what they see and feel once they come home. I've never felt so in touch with what they go through until now, and even with this film I'm sure we're all still far off from really understanding. It inspired me. It made me want to help, to reach out, to do something. Now I know there are some of you that think, "well they chose to go over there and fight." And trust me, I get that, and in no way would I ever make that choice, not right now anyway. Which makes me feel even more thankful and empathetic for our soldiers. I don't think that war is the answer, but I also think that no one has the answers to this convoluted world of politics, economics, and terror that we're all going through these days. I know there are soldiers too that are fine when they come home. And those guys are extremely strong. Shoot I need some advice from them on how to cope with some things in my life and I'm far off from holding the weight of what they carry in their minds. Anyway, I wanted to share my experience because it truly touched me and I will forever hold Veterans in an even more higher regard now.
SO, yes, I've had a few serious relationships in my life, but I'll admit most of my adult life has been filled with a hell of a lot of dates. Some dates have been good, some have been ok, but some have been borderline weird, crazy, or terrible! Of course I tell my girlfriends my crazy stories and they always say "Elizabeth you need to write a book!" I've been hesitant, because on some dates I do mention my blog and how I write about my travels, life, etc. But it's gotten to a point now where I just don't care! I don't plan on seeing these "bad dates" again anyway! I've accumulated enough "bad date" material and I think it is the perfect time to start sharing these crazy stories! Now, this post would be too long to go back in time to cover all of the crazy dates I've had. Like the guy who got so drunk at a basketball game that he threw up on himself and fell asleep in his seat, which was only a couple rows back from the Celtics! Or the guy who told me that he's into open relationships and was floored when a girl he recently met, who was already in a relationship, broke it off with him (after she told him she slept with another guy, but he wasn't mad about that part). Or the guy who friended me and borderline stalked me on Facebook. Or the guy who was a pet cremator. Or the guy who talked about himself for 2 hours and never asked one question about me. Or the guy I dated for a little while, who stalked my blog, later realized that some of my posts weren't about him and then he went off on me! Unfortunately I could go on and on, but this could be fun. Of course my goal in life is to NOT be a habitual dater (or habitual bitch as my brother said). But until I find Mr. Right - I meet a lot of Mr. Wrong's in the process. I know there are a lot of women that go through this - and ladies you are not alone!!! My intention is not to bash guys here. But only to vocalize the experience of meeting men that just aren't right for me. Stay tuned....
As we were approaching LaGuardia airport I looked out my window and saw the craziest thing. I saw a circle rainbow. At first it was just the circular rainbow, but as we descended into different angles of sunlight, I suddenly noticed our plane's shadow IN the rainbow.
Man, what magic!
New York trips are so much fun! I was lucky enough to be flown up to NYC for an interview! I chose to stay over the weekend to explore the city with one of my friends. But business first - interview time!
After a full day of interviews it was time to unwind! I've been to New York quite a few times, but now was the time to explore the city as a potential future resident! My girlfriend showed me around a few neighborhoods so I could get a jump start on things should the universe place me in this direction!
Working in Manhattan you have a few options of where to live, price depending of course. We checked out various neighborhoods in Manhattan and in Brooklyn.
NYC has some of the most interesting street art, which I love!
Sometimes you see the craziest things in NYC!!!!
My short weekend was maximized to the fullest, hanging out and checking out local digs. I hope I get to come back soon! Until next time New York City...
